Classic Tiki bars - those exotic time-capsule relics from your dad’s swanky bachelor pad days - are proudly back in action after laying dormant for three decades.  New Tiki bars are popping up all over the world to meet a growing demand, replacing many of the lost Tiki temples that turned into pharmacies and fast food joints during the 1970’s and 1980’s.  Although the spectacular subaquatic Polynesian paradise within Chicago’s legendary Playboy mansion is but a distant memory, the Tiki Gods have returned, and are ready to help ease an overly hyped-up new generation into a more relaxed lifestyle.

Speaking strictly, a Tiki is any of a wide variety of carved figures from exotic Pacific islands such as Hawai’i, Easter Island, New Zealand, or the Marquesas.  Our all-American Tiki is an amalgamation of these sacred effigies, and watches over a good Tiki bar as best befits this westernized incarnation of Tiki: here, Tiki is the god of recreation.  In this hectic, insane, and dangerous world, we all need an escape.  We need to turn the music down, dim the lights, tell ourselves it is perfectly okay to cop a little rum buzz, and to give our wahines (that’s Hawaiian for the young ladies) an excuse to dress up.  And relax. 

The phrase ‘mai tai’ isn’t just the name of a drink, it means ‘the best’.  So here are the mai tai Tiki bars, coast to coast:

The Real Deal:
Tiki Ti (Los Angeles, CA)
Open on selected nights, and barely seating thirty, the Tiki Ti was opened by Don the Beachcomber’s bartender Ray Buhen more than 40 years ago.  His son and grandson keep Ray’s legacy alive with more Tiki ephemera crammed behind the tiny bar than can be truly absorbed in one sitting.  Speaking of absorption, Ray’s own secret drink recipes are legendary - and available nowhere else.  When you hear the crowd chant “Toro!  Toro!  Toro!”, join in: as long as the chant continues, the booze will continually flow into the drink currently being poured...

Mai tai inu (the best drink): Ray’s Mistake.  No one but Ray’s descendants know what’s in this one, and if you manage to remember it, you’ll never forget it.

Teriyaki, Turtles, and Tiki Gods:
Jardin Tiki (Montreal, Quebec)
A favorite place for tin medal Olympians to agonize over their defeats with a serious cocktail, Jardin Tiki opened just in time for the Montreal Olympics in 1976.  This glass A-frame (a slant-roofed architectural feature reminiscent of Polynesian dwellings) in the still-extant Olympic Village neighborhood sports a cheap and extensive Chinese / Polynesian buffet, the usual array of fruity rum drinks, big Tiki gods poking out of the foliage, and a turtle pond.  Honu - the Polynesian word for turtle - is a spiritual figure on some of the islands, and plenty of spirits figure into the potent potables at Jardin Tiki (that’s Tiki Garden for those of you who fell asleep in French class).

Mai tai inu: Singapore Sling.  One of the few true Tiki drinks not made with rum, this gin and brandy concoction complements the pan-Asian fare in the buffet.

Where the Tiki gods themselves drink:
Trader Vic’s (Emeryville, CA)
Victor Bergeron, the one-legged bon vivant better known as Trader Vic, invented what is perhaps the most famous tropical drink ever - the Mai Tai Roa Oe, or simply Mai Tai.  Forget that swill you made from prefab mix at your frat parties, a real  Mai Tai is a helluva good drink.  As it happens, Bergeron also invented a grip of other classic libations, all of which must be sampled at one of five remaining US restaurants (or the fifteen international ones).  The food is also outstanding.  The 1950’s vintage Emeryville, CA location ranks highest, as their sheer density of amazing Tiki artifacts, original works of art, and nautical ephemera is of virtually museum quality.

Mai tai inu: Mai Tai Roa Oe.  Trader Vic’s masterpiece, and no one makes it like the bartenders in his Emeryville location.

Best Tiki Bar at which to pop the question:
Hala Kahiki (River Grove, IL)
Opened in 1966, and still family-owned, Hala Kahiki’s environment is classic lounge-era Tiki, perfectly preserved for a new generation.  With barely enough light to see, a huge collection of vintage Tikis by classic designer Witco (who also decorated parts of the Playboy mansion), and table service by wait staff clad in muumuus (pick one up in their extensive gift shop), Hala Kahiki is ideal for romantic encounters, be they first dates or marriage proposals.  No one sits at the small bar in the front; the action is at the candle-lit tables in the back room or on the outdoor patio.  Don’t go there looking for new romance, however - every one at HK is spoken for.  Show up after  dinner: while we worship the presence of 95 drinks on the exhaustive menu, the only food you’ll get is pretzels.
 
Mai tai inu: Zombie.  Not for the inexperienced!

Rat Pack’s favorite Tiki bar:
Alibi (Portland, OR)
Tikis and tropical foliage are mixed with red leather booths and casino machines in Portland’s own little Tiki treasure, which dates to 1947.  Frank and Joey would have been right at home in this one - and you can summon their spirits on Karaoke night if you’re so inclined.  Summoning spirits of a more intoxicating kind may help your singing: the Scorpion and Singapore Sling at the Alibi are worth a try or three.  The Rat Pack would have approved of the grub here too, as all-American steak and potato dishes fill the menu.  Reasonably priced and tasty.  Behave!

Mai tai inu: Scorpion.  When Don the Beachcomber invented this one in the 1940’s, he called it “A real dirty stinker!”.  Sammy and Dino would have agreed.

Best Tiki bar in the land that spawned them:
La Mariana Sailing Club (Honolulu, Oahu, HI)
Clearly the best of the surprisingly few real Tiki Bars in Hawai’i.  Opened in 1952 by Annette Nahinu, La Mariana’s multiple rooms are crammed full of Tikis of all description, glass floats, aquariums, a waterfall, and - of course - taxidermy pufferfish, set against a spectacular view of the Pacific.  When the legendary Tahitian Lanai closed, La Mariana grabbed their most cherished Tikis and added them to a collection of artifacts rescued from Don the Beachcomber’s, Trader Vic’s, Kon Tiki, the Tropics, and Tiki Hut. 

Mai tai inu: Mai Tai.  Every bar on the islands claims to make the best Mai Tai on the islands.  La Mariana just might be the one to deserve the claim.

Vegas, wahine:
Taboo Cove / Venus (Las Vegas, NV)
Taboo Cove is part of a group of newly erected Tiki Bars across the country that can almost all be described thusly: spectacular Tiki interior design (by Tiki carver Bosko in this case), great drinks, and an astounding collection of vintage memorabilia... but they drop the ball with the loud music and clubby environment.  Tiki is about chillin’, people: get nutty somewhere else... like at Club Venus next door, where astounding women frolic in a club spectacularly designed by red-hot illustrator Shag.  Chicago’s Rock-A-Tiki and Washington DC’s Politiki rate identically.

Mai tai inu: whatever Mo serves ya’.  For the best drinks in Vegas, show up at Taboo Cove while sexy bartender Mo is working. 

Best Tiki bar you can’t go to:
Polynesian Room (Vancouver, BC)
This spectacular multi level wonder (built in 1955), is fully intact and perfectly preserved... behind locked doors.  Open only for special events, and for scores of film and television shoots, the Polynesian Room is a rare treat for those who have managed to get a peek inside this kapu  locale.  The decline of interest in all things Tiki through the 1970’s and 1980’s forced the lock-out, but one can hope that new interest in Tiki will inspire the owners to open the Polynesian Room to the general public once more.  Chin Tiki in Detroit (seen in 8-mile), and Chicago’s Kona Kai are in similar situations: vintage Tiki temples, intact behind locked doors.

Mai tai inu: sorry, this one’s gone dry!

Tiki explosion in the big apple:
(New York, NY)
Tiki is, and always has been, about escapism.  Whenever things get rough, people have flocked to their local pretend Polynesian paradise to relax and get away from it all for a bit.  Is it any wonder then, with all of the troubles our country has had for the past few years, that no less than five new Tiki Bars have opened up in the Big Apple (there were none  prior to 2001).  Some of them nail the vibe perfectly (like Zombie Hut: one of the drinks recipes requires the bartender to actually set the bar on fire), while others don’t quite get it (Tiki Room looks good from the outside, but inside the magic fades fast: no Tikis, no tropical decor).   In the search for the ultimate NY Tiki, there are some near misses: Kahiki Lounge is great, but only open during the summer (within Marion’s Continental Restaurant) and Otto's Shrunken Head is a live rock club, although Tikis carved by Wayne Coombs abound.  Waikiki Wally's may be the best of the quintet.  Opened in September, 2002 on the site of the notorious bondage club La Nouvelle Justine, with decor by the legendary Oceanic Arts and the notorious Crazy Al Evans, they serve their drinks in Tiki Farm mugs.

Mai tai inu: See if any of them can make a proper Suffering Bastard.

If you only visit one...
Mai Kai (Ft. Lauderdale, FL)
Opened in 1956, the Mai Kai is a spectacular Polynesian paradise.  Look for an extensive dinner menu, amazing drinks, gorgeous cocktail servers in really short sarongs and bikini tops, a full floor show (featuring stunning hula girls, fire-knife dancers, and a full band), authentic Oceanic carvings everywhere you can point your eyeballs, and architecture that will  make you forget you’re on the mainland.  Although places like the Mai Kai could be found in every major city in the 1950’s and 1960’s, nothing else currently exists on this scale.  With the loss of the Kahiki in Ohio two years ago, the Mai Kai survives as the only remaining example of it’s genre.  Worth the trip from wherever you are right now.

Mai tai inu: all of ‘em.  And those waitresses... oh, lordy....

Need more?
Tiki Road Trip  is your complete guide to over 400 Tiki Bars worldwide.
Huge gatherings of Tiki fanatics will take place this summer at The Hukilau festival in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida (www.thehukilau.com) and at Exotica 2003 in Chicago (www.konaikai.com/exotica).