Fake ID

"America is all about freedom until freedom gets in the way of money."

Witness my adventures as good old American paranoia forces me to willingly become a felon in order to make sure no felonies are committed in my name.

©2003 James A. Teitelbaum. All Rights reserved.
This is a work in progesss, revision 040102

Throughout the middle 1980's, more than a few people made note of the fact that the paranoid prophecies of George Orwell's novel 1984 had not come to pass. At the time, twenty years ago, there were certainly stories circulating about the government spying into our everyday lives (and of other such injustices), but the magnitude of personal invasion imagined by Orwell had certainly not reached fruition by any means. However, in this age where people's lives are being ruled by fear, mistrust, and computers (not to mention fear and mistrust of computers), even the most casual observer must take note of the alarming rate at which our freedoms and privacies are being eroded. These crimes against our right to conduct our lives as we see fit - within the limits of the law - are not only being perpetrated by the government, but by a harrowing array of the merchants and providers of services that we use every day. These privacy invasions are creeping up on us, a few millimeters at a time, so slowly as to not attract any undue attention. You see, when sweeping reforms and new policies are suddenly instituted, there is always widespread complaint and a cry for justice. But when changes are introduced into our lives little by little, at an imperceptibly slow pace, few people have the wit or the courage to question them once these changes have become obvious (and by that time, more firmly implemented). These erosions of our privacy are skillfully implemented slowly enough that by the time someone notices the injustice of it all, his or her peers are 'used to' the new way. Our potential whistle-blower then seems to be a little looney while preaching to a general public who have been slipped a mickey slowly, over time, and who therefore don't even notice how groggy they've become. It saddens me that we live in an era where people are so afraid of their fellow man, and so used to being ripped off and taken advantage off by all manner of schemesters - from individual scoundrels to multinational corporations - that our typical attitude towards encountering a stranger is one of fear and skepticism. I was recently reading the story of a man traveling on foot across the country in the 1860's. I was amazed at the tales of people continually bringing the protagonist into their homes to feed him, of his complete lack of fear at sleeping outdoors, and of the general trust and decency shared between strangers and families alike. I wondered how many people would shelter and feed me in this day and age, were I traveling through the countryside on foot. Were I to knock on a door, starving, how many people would automatically assume I was a criminal? How many would simply refuse to even open their doors, and how many would call the police? Many, if not most people fear strangers, rather than welcoming them: I could be a murderer, a thief, a junkie, or a rapist... but I am probably not. Most people are probably not, in fact, but even if I didn't commit these crimes immediately, I would still be suspect of potentially casing this theoretical good Samaritan's home on behalf of an accomplice. Even among those who believed I was legitimately a decent person, and truly starving, how many would offer me a meal?

Large companies are also used to their customers taking advantage of them at every turn. Growing up in the 1970's, I was perhaps a part of the final generation that believed 'the customer is always right'. These days, if you have a question or complaint at a retail store or restaurant, you are, as often as not, presented with an attitude smacking of 'if you don't like it, go somewhere else'. Trying to get so-called 'customer service' on a telephone is near impossible, even after navigating endless loops of automatic menus that seem to never include the one option you really need. When finally reaching the drone on the other end, the likelihood of it being someone who is able to help with anything but the most routine matters is nil. Presenting this so-called 'customer service' representative with any challenges that fall outside of the scenarios present in their training manual will typically result in either the customer being given the run-around, being transerred to an equally indifferent phone drone, or of having their requests flatly refused. Any of these may be indications of a prideful 'customer service' representative not wanting to admit to ignorance, or of a supervisor who is not willing to deal with any larger issues that come up. The majority of 'customer service' employees are interested in 'customer service' only to the degree that they don't have to expend too much effort to provide it, and certainly never to a degree where they may have to think. And the customer is always suspect. The customer is always lying. The customer is always a scam artist.

The customer is not only suspect, but their actions are mercilessly tracked and logged. I was shocked to speechlessness at a Target store recently. Upon returning a five dollar toy, the completely vacuous girl at the 'customer service' counter was able to use her computer to verify not only the specific date I had bought the item, but which debit card I had used, and even the account number on the card. If questioned, the average consumer would be told that this information was retained for security purposes. Most people, upon hearing the word 'security' would instantly assume that their best interests were being maintained. Still other people would fail to grasp the significance of a huge chain like Target logging every purchase into a huge data base like this. But who's security are we talking about here? It certainly doesn't make the consumer more secure to have all of this information on file with any store that they are silly enough to use a credit card at. Target had the date, the item, my name, and my bank account number all in a file linked to the item I bought. Were the drone running the machine the slightest bit crafty, the possibilities for misuse of this easily accessed information is astounding.
If anything, I am less secure, knowing that some kid who works for Target can grab any information he needs from their computers.

Forget the security issue for a moment. That Target has all of this data about my every move is just plain creepy. It just feels wrong. I was also taken aback at the return policy at Borders books. In bringing a book in for an exchange, the counter-drone required me to produce a drivers license, and then proceeded to type all of my personal information into their database. I wondered aloud why they might need all of this information from me just because I was exchanging a book. They explained that it was because I didn't have a receipt, which in this case was true. But what was also true is that I wasn't asking for cash back; a store credit would do nicely. Some readers may initially think it perfectly natural that a retail outlet ask for ID when making a return without a receipt, even if the customer doesn't want money for the return. But what possible use could Borders, or any other chain, have for this information? I am sure that there are dirtbags out there who would steal merchandise and then try to return it for cash. "No cash refunds without receipt" policies put the kibosh on that, and these policies are perfectly reasonable. However, in trying to figure out why Borders needs all of this information for a cash-free exchange, the only answer I could come up with is theft prevention. But consider this: if a book has been stolen, it would be a little silly to bring it back for an exchange. The thief could have just stolen the desired merchandise the first time around. Additionally, it is a little risky, if not plain cocky, for a thief to steal something and then walk back into the same store asking for an exchange. Additionally, in the case of a chain as big as Borders, dozens (if not hundreds) of locations all stock the same merchandise. So even if a copy of a particular book had been ripped off from one Borders location, it is perfectly likely that many more copies of the item had been legitimately sold somewhere else in the chain. There are many reasons why a consumer may want to exchange it, but may not have a receipt (in my case it was because the book was a gift... and the person who gave it to me knows that gift receipts included with presents are just plain tacky). So, if a copy of this book had been stolen from some Borders at some point, and if there was a 'stolen merchandise database' in all of the Borders computers, and if by chance I was exchanging, without a receipt, a copy of the same book that had been stolen at some point in some other Borders store, there is still far too little evidence to make a conviction for the theft. So taking down an honest consumer's personal information (right down to their driver's license number) does no good for Borders theft-control department, and is an invasion of privacy for the honest customer who is simply stuck with an unwanted item. What possible use could Borders have for my driver's license number? None that I can think of, but I can think of plenty of identity thieves who would have a grand time with it.

Barnes and Noble don't ask for it during an exchange.

Is their theft ratio any higher, I wonder?

The current buzzword in modern crime, 'identity theft', is made even easier by scoundrels looking for victims at CostCo. I went into their local warehouse recently to check it out, intent on making a determination as to whether their prices were truly low enough to justify the membership fee required to shop there, and to conform to their very limited hours of operation. I was stopped at the entrance by a belligerent and untrained guard who insisted I get a security pass to browse their store. This seemed a little anal to me; after all, members-only or not, you'd think that they would be friendly to potential new customers who just wanted to check out the merchandise. They almost seemed to go out of their way to make me feel uncomfortable, as if they didn't need my business.

Nevertheless, I went to the 'customer service' desk to get my pass. As expected, they asked for an ID, and then proceeded to write my drivers license number on a pad of paper on the desk. There were about 30 rows of text on the form, room for thirty people's information, and I was near the bottom of that day's 'guest' list. As the man at the desk wrote, I had a long loving look at all of the names of all of the people who had been 'guests' that day. This was no big deal in itself, but next to each name, in a clear, blocky handwriting was each person's drivers license number. Displayed on a pad, for all to see, were thirty names with their corresponding ID numbers. Anyone with a fairly decent memory could have committed at least one series of digits to grey matter and walked off to perform all sorts of mischief. Even easier: it is not all that crafty for a thief to attempt to aquire the blank form underneath the current one, which has all of the information from the form currently in use pressed onto it via the above sheet being written on with the firm grip on the counter man's ball point pen. A light rub with the edge of a crayon, like we all did in kindergarten, and the thief has thirty names and driver's license numbers, just like that.

I told the CostCo counter man that I understood that they wanted to keep track of all of the non-members who came into their warehouse, but I questioned the need for having my drivers license number tracked, and also of having it displayed for all interested parties. He didn't seem to understand my concern. I pointed out that CostCo had no possible legitimate use for this particular information. Again, all I could think of was internal security. But there are cameras everywhere, not to mention security personnel. So if I, as a 'guest', were to swipe something, I would either: (A). get away with it, or (B). get busted, in which case security would detain me until the police arrived. Either way, CostCo does not need my license number. If they had wanted to simply jot down my name on that pad, I could understand that. Even if they took my address (under the pretense of 'policy' or 'security', but really to facilitate mailing junk mail to me), I would be annoyed, but I would comply. This is another practice we've become accustomed to without questioning it. But anything beyond that has no possible value to CostCo for any reasonable purpose. Again, the security issue (to the store, not to the customer) seems to be hiding here somewhere, but in the event that I am one of the vast majority of customers who are honest, they will never need detailed information about me, and in the statistical unliklihood that I were a thief, having this personal information will still not benefit them or help them bring me to justice.

It is easy for employees to try to put you off of any uncomfortable line of questioning with a simple "It's our policy". Once you get that line, there's nothing you can do. Trying to make them think for themselves with a "why is it your policy, what is the reason behind the creation of the policy" never works. Following that with "the policy surely wasn't implemented at random, it must serve a purpose, can you help me understand this purpose so that it makes sense to me?" will get you thrown out of most places, no matter how politely phrased and spoken. The people usually assigned to deal with the public aren't hired as deep thinkers, they are in fact hired for their qualities of obedience and loyalty, their absolute refusal to question their world, and their dogged determination to abide by the corporate rulebook 100%.

At CostCo, I asked to speak to the man's supervisor, and in a very polite and curious tone, I wondered why this degree of sensitive information was needed just to browse their store. The woman I was speaking to became defensive and belligerent very quickly, and regurgitated the same tired line I have heard so many times lately: "It is for your own safety". Every single time someone says this to you, in this modern age, you must question this. "How, exactly, is this (whatever it is) for my own safety?". Or, think about it carefully: "Is it really for my own safety, or for your business' own safety?". I pointed out that the pad of paper was a security risk to the customer, and in fact violated "my own safety". Rather than answering my calm questions, she got more and more angry, and then she basically stonewalled me, her body language indicating that she was done with me.

That CostCo has all of this data about my every move is just plain creepy. It just feels wrong. And don't even get me started on security cameras. They have their place. And they are in a lot of places where they don't belong. I am tired of all of this. Whether all of this data collection by these various retailers is for overzealous yet futile security practices, whether they are for enforced participation in the business' marketing programs, or whether they are just Big Brother rearing his ugly head 20 years late, I decided that these people do not need to know who I am. I am not a thief or a criminal. I do not want, need, or deserve to have my every move questioned, recorded, verified, and logged just to browse a retail store, or to exchange a toy or a book (with or without receipt). What can it boil down to? What is the reason? Is it fear? Fear of vandalism, theft, robbery, rape, or terrorism? Will taking so much of my sensitive and easily abused personal information and storing it in computer files make the world safer? Do you think the terrorists who flew airplanes into the World Trade Center used their real IDs when they boarded those planes? I don't think so. They were on a suicide mission, so whether or not their names were known after the fact is irrelevant, right? Wrong. They'd still use false documents to board the plane, so as to make it more difficult to trace them back to their leaders. People who are going to commit crimes are going to take precautions against getting caught, and they will supply fake information. Honest people don't need their information tracked, because they are honest. Using this train of logic, it is the honest people who are setting themselves up for trouble, because the criminals are taking precautions. It is time for honest people, like me, to take precautions too. I have no intent to commit any crime greater than jaywalking. Hell, I don't even litter. Ever. I won't be a victim of corporate spying, criminal identity theft, government Big Brother creepiness, telemarketing scams, or internet 'cookies' reporting my action back to CPU's in some bomb proof mountain bunker somewhere.

So I decided to get a fake ID.

I don't want to use it for any criminal purpose, I just want it to protect my own privacy from the corporations that think they have a right to record my every move, my every purchase.

If I get pulled over by the cops for speeding, they'll get a peek at my real ID.

When I sell my condo and buy a house, they'll get a peek at my real ID.

Next time I vote, they'll get my real ID.

If I want to rent a video, buy a book, go to a club, browse a grocery store, or make any other consumer transaction, they'll get the fake. These people do not need to know who I am, and they have no right to keep records of my personal information. If they want to track a transaction for whatever their purposes are, a name or a phone number should suffice. If they ask for more, they get the fake.

The only hurdle to overcome is that fact that I am now in my thirties, and I have no idea where to get a fake ID. I haven't needed one since I was seventeen. Back then, all I needed it for was to get into bars to watch bands. I couldn't afford to drink: I just wanted to hear the music, and my fake got me past more than a few doormen. But that was the middle 1980's, and a lot of things have changed since then. Holograms and watermarks and all sorts of other stuff are going to make this a tough mission.

I thought about asking some college kids where to get one. I'd say that 99% of the fake ID market is for kids trying to get into bars underage. Everyone between the ages of seventeen and twenty years, eleven months, and three hundred sixty-four days knows someone who has a fake ID and someone who knows someone who makes them. The hardest part about that is convincing them that I am not 'the man', the 5-0, the police, out to bust up the crafty kid who is making these things for them. Trying to explain all of the above to a high school kid, in most cases would be a bit, shall we say, futile. Why would an old guy like me want a fake ID?

Part two coming soon... as soon as I procure the damned thing!

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