From the pages of Blue Harvest Episode Eight...
Winter 1996

The Sarlacc Pit - Three
by James Addams
It’s kind of weird that the most popular feature in this ‘zine is the one devoted to hate.  Sort of a reflection on our society and popular culture in general, I guess.  So here we go with another spiteful rant designed to help the poor hapless consumer make the wise decisions necessary to face the behemoth corporate juggernaut that threatens to crush Mr. Collector’s dwindling bank account.

You may fire at will, commander!

Applause.

No, I’m not asking for it, I’m criticizing it.  Applause, in this case, is not a verb, but a noun, a company.  Have you seen the vinyl dolls created by these guys?  The Chewbacca doll was molded in two pieces, the top half and the lower.  Chewie has been cruelly bisected at the hips and hastily glued back together by an assembly-line team who are obviously more interested in daydreams of spending their minimum wage paycheck at Moe’s Tavern than they are about earning it honestly.  Besides the fact that the two halves of the doll don’t fit together properly, leaving small gaps at random points around the Wookiee’s waist, there are globs of glue drooling out from the places where contact is made.  It is fortunate that the C-3PO connected to Chewbacca’s back is in pieces (as in The Empire Strikes Back), for had they tried to actually assemble the hapless droid, these incompetent nitwits would doubtlessly have found themselves unable to do so.

Applause also makes a really dumb line of Micro-Machine-ish little spaceships attached to suction cups, and some other little nick nacks that I couldn’t really ascertain any meaningful purpose for.  Okay, whatever.  On the other hand, I got a Boba Fett mug for Christmas that was made by these people, and is surprisingly a very nice product.  I won’t write them off completely, just yet. Saved by the Bounty Hunter.  The Darth Vader vinyl doll isn’t nearly as bad as Chewie.  He’s stepping on a rebel Trooper helmet, his fist raised in the air.  Pretty cool, actually.  But, I’m not here to praise Applause, I’m here to BURY them!  That done, let’s move on...

Galoob.  I gave them grief last issue, and I will show them no more mercy this time around.  They’ve expanded their Micro-Machines line by threefold without making any new molds!  How? By reissuing the old ones, painted to look alternately bronze or pewter.  Okay.  Help me out on this one.  These are the same little tiny plastic spaceships with no moving parts that we’ve seen before.  They used to sell at about six dollars for three ships.  Now they give ‘em a coat of bronze colored spray paint, collect a bunch of ‘em in a set, and jack up the price.  This is desirable to collectors?  Did I miss something?

Negligibly less annoying are their X-ray series.  These are slightly larger versions of the same ships, molded in clear plastic with randomly designed faux-machinery inside.  Like, engines and stuff.  Okay.  Next.


& <>

Galoob also recently introduced their Action Fleet.  Yet another line of spaceship toys, each about the size of Kenner’s old die-cast series  The Action Fleet line each come with two little teeny 1/2” tall action figures.  These toys are not bad actually, and if you’re going to give Galoob your money, this are the way to go.  Act now to get in on the first manufacturing run!  You get the same exact toy, but with a SERIAL NUMBER!  Oh Boy!  Gee Willikers!

Adding insult to injury, Galoob also released a pack of tiny droids figures.  There are about 16 of them in the package, and none of them are to scale with any of Galoob’s other Star Wars products.  The sculpting is indifferent, and R2-D2, IG-88, or C-3PO are not among the Treadwells and other random Jawa junk presented here.

Oh, and Kenner!  I sent away for three Han Solo figures waaaaay back in September and have only received one.  I didn’t get my Making of Star Wars video yet, either.  I can’t get a C-3PO action figure to save my life.  Make more of those!  One Threepio per two cases of figures is NOT enough for someone who can only get to Toys-R-Us once every 10 days or so!

Here’s one that’ll really piss people off: America On-Line.  Not only are they expensive as hell, but they fired Star Wars On-Line moderator Alec Usticke for reasons nebulous at best.  Alec (Uncle Owen to AOL’ers) is a hell of a nice guy who has not only been a constant presene on AOL’s Star Wars areas, but who has plugged this ‘zine once or twice as well.  I’m not the only one who’s descision to leave AOL for the greener pastures on an independent Internet provider was inspired partially by their unfair treatment of Usticke.  Of course, the fact that they censor just about everything, and the fact that their Web Browser SUCKS contributed to my descison too...

Finally, I want to stop ranting and talk about something we really like: a ‘zine we’ve mentioned in these pages a few times.  Martin Thurn’s Star Wars Collector is really cool, and worth the bucks to subscribe.  If you track down Issue #13 (Oct. 1995) you can read an article by Bronwen Anderton called “Bantha Pudu”.  Bronwen has the same idea as I do, gleefully ranting on about “what sucks” and mercilessly targeting such awfulness as: shoddy fact checking in SWI and SWGM, George Lucas’s interviews on the new THX VHS tapes, The $400 Illusive Concepts Yoda puppet, Bend ‘Ems, and people who misspell the name Nien Nunb.  

©1995 Blue Harvest
Editorial note:
In designing this web page, I found it kind of funny that back in the summer of 1995, a C-3PO action figure was a challenging purchase!  Given the myriad variations, scalpers, and problems with shortpacks of figures since then, that lil' Threepio quest in '95 seems like a cakewalk in retrospect!  -  JA
 

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